In these shoes was a woman that was scared and lost. I fell head over heels in love with this man. He seemed to be everything she wanted into a man. The relationship started off great for about 6 months. Then his True colors started to show. We got married. As days went by so did my life. Every day was something new. He drank like a fish and smoked weed. As soon as I opened my eyes the name calling started, “B***h you can’t do anything right.” I would go to work (he had to come sit in the truck while I worked), go to the store (he had to come), and if I went to a family house (he had to come). I had no life, no trust. I was accused of sleeping around, so he would call me a “C**t W***e.” He would even go as to say I was sleeping with the roommate.

I became pregnant. One night my husband at the time started arguing and hitting on me. My son was living with us at that time (but was not his child), was listening and had enough of the yelling and hitting on me. He came out of my room and said “leave my mom alone.” Well as I fell to the floor, my husband went to the door and my son was on the other side. They started yelling at each other. Then the next thing I see was the husband batting up his fist and I jumped up and got in between them as the husband threw the punch into my stomach. I went down. I was not going to let him hurt my son like he did to me. The roommate pulled the husband in the room to get him away so I could get up. I was hurt and still didn’t call the police because I loved him and didn’t want him to go to jail. The next day I was bleeding and it was Valentine’s Day. I called my doctor. They had me come in. As I was heading there I called my Mom to let her know what was going on. She met me there. I got there before she did and they took me to a room. They checked for the baby’s heartbeat but there was none. So she checked me and started calling out for her nurse to bring her a jar. I said, “What’s going on” crying at this point. “I’m sorry,” said the doctor, “You lost the baby and they had to take it out.” I couldn’t believe this was happening. I felt heartbroken. As I got to the waiting room, there was my mom’s arms out reaching for me. We cried. She didn’t want me to go back to him because she was scared something would happen again. I didn’t listen and went back to him.

Every day it was fighting, yelling, beating, being kicked out of the house. At this point my son had enough of being thrown out, then having to find somewhere to sleep (or sleep in the truck) that he started staying with a friend. I was living in my truck or family or friends’ places until they had enough of me going back to my husband.

One day my son called me to come see him and when I got there he said he was staying with them and went back into the house. The friend’s parents came out and asked me to leave. As I was leaving my husband called and wanted me to come back home and he promised things would be better and he would not put his hands on me again. My aunt met me at my son’s friend’s house. I was upset at myself for losing my son all because the man has a hold on me. I jumped in my truck and sped off. My Aunt followed me. I was driving. All I could think about was losing a baby and now my son. “I had nothing to live for,” was running in my head. So I started planning how to kill myself. I went to the doctor a couple of days before because I was not feeling well and they did blood work. Well as I was thinking I was going faster and I was planning to run into a tree, I call a call from my doctor. So I slowed down and started to listen to him. He was calling to tell me about the blood work and I told him I didn’t care what he had to say. He said, “You better,” and I said, “Why?” Cause you’re having a rainbow baby. I stopped the truck, got out and fell to my knees. My Aunt came running up to me and asked me what the h**l was I doing. I told her I was having a rainbow baby. My Aunt said “this baby stopped you from killing yourself. We hugged and I told her I didn’t know what to do. She tried to stop me from going back to the husband, but I went back.

A couple days passed and I told my sister and the husband about the baby. My sister tried to get me to leave the husband but I stayed. Well one night the husband got so drunk that he started trashing and breaking things in the house. He tried to find me but I was outside hiding from him. He was yelling, “B***h, if I get my hands on you, I’m going to kill you. I’m going to cut you up from ear to ear.” I was so scared at this point I called his sister to come help. My sister got there and tried to calm him down, but couldn’t so sister called the police. They got there and arrested him, took him to jail and the police tried to get me to press charges but I didn’t and they released him the next day. I went to pick the husband up from jail and as soon as we got to the truck he started yelling, arguing, hitting, and now accusing me that the baby was the roommate’s baby. So again I was kicked out pregnant, slept in my truck. And as soon as he called I would go back for more.

As months went by and the baby was growing, I was so stressed and scared. The husband was a ticking time bomb. Everything and anything would tick him off. I started to get preeclampsia (high blood pressure) which led to me to 2 hospital rides to the hospital. The last blood pressure was so high that as soon as we landed (helicopter) I was in the surgery room getting ready to take the baby cause we both were in so much danger. We both could have died. I was 28 weeks pregnant when they took her. I had a micro-premie. She was so tiny. She could fit in your hand. The size of a water bottle and weighing one pound 14 ounces. When the doctors took the baby, they put her into a plastic bag and took her away before I could see or hear her. I was so scared. My mom got there as they were taking her away. She asked what was going on and asked about the baby. My mom came back and said the baby is okay, doing great. The next day I got to touch and hold my baby. I couldn’t believe she was here already and so tiny.

When we got to take the baby home I thought things would be different but boy was I wrong. Things got worst. One day I was nursing my baby and the husband came to me and wanted me to stop feeding the baby and come get him something to eat and I said to him the baby is almost done. Then I’ll come feed him. He went and got a 2-liter soda bottle, came into the bedroom where I was nursing the baby and began to hit me with it. I blocked the baby so she wouldn’t get hit and took the blows to the head. He hit so hard that I passed out then come to, grabbed the baby and left to my mom’s. I got to her house and she cleaned the blood off my head. Husband called and I went back to him.

My mom was scared for me. Everything stayed the same. One day we were out and we were talking then the next thing I felt was his fist coming to my face. He punched me with his wedding band and busted my forehead open. So as soon as we got home he got out of the truck and I drove off. And again I went to my mom and she cleaned me up. My head hurt so bad that I went to the doctor and she asked what happened. I told her I ran into the cabinet. She tried to get me to tell the truth but I didn’t.

The things I went through no woman should have to go through it. He didn’t want me to live with him no more because I always pissed him off he said. So I stayed with his sister but that didn’t last long. Then to his mother. While living with the husband’s mother it was still bad. He would come over yelling, hitting on me and his mom wouldn’t say anything. My baby and I started to go to the early HeadStart program which was great. In there they would help us with things that was going on in our lives. A lot of helpful stuff. I got to sign up for an apartment. Then one day our class was being taught by Salome. She came to talk to us about abuse and violence. As she talked I started thinking damn she is describing the last five years of my live.

A couple of months went by when I got the word of getting an apartment. I was so happy and scared at the same time. I started packing things and taking to storage. Well, [three years after first pregnancy] I went to go pick up the Husband from work. As soon as he got in the truck it was on. I told him the truck was over-heating and we need to get home so no stops. Well he didn’t like me telling him that. He started yelling and scaring the baby that she started crying and he started yelling at her. I told him not to yell at the baby anymore and he hit me. We got to his mom’s house, he got out, got the baby and went into the house. As soon as I got in the house I went to talk to his mom in the kitchen and tell her what he did. I turned and he grabbed me by the throat and held me in the air. I felt my face turning red and started to see a light. I thought to myself his mom is standing there watching him do this to me and I was going to die because he is going to kill me. [I thought] I didn’t tell my daughter or mother I Love Them. The light got brighter. But I could hear this little voice from a distant “Daddy stop, Daddy stop. Don’t hurt Mommy.” He let go of me and I fell to the floor. I felt those little hands of my daughter tapping my cheeks and saying, “Mommy, Mommy are you ok? Mommy are you ok?” I opened my eyes, picked her up, kissed her cheek and told her father/the husband, that he would never put his hands on me again. I went outside with my daughter and his mom made him leave. At dinner that night I asked her, “Why she didn’t help me?” Why did she just stand there and watch him almost kill me. Her reply was cause if she would have it would have gotten worse. Later that night The Husband called his mom. She had him on speakerphone so I heard everything. He began telling her that he has been talking and seeing this girl that he knew when he was younger and it’s been going on for some months and he wants his mother to meet her. So as I came back to the kitchen his mom tried to turn off the speakerphone. So I grab the phone from her and begin to tell him since he found a new woman to make sure she is able to take and pick him up from work. He said, “NO You Will Be Doing That!” I laughed and gave her back the phone and said, “I’m done.” That night I called my friend to tell her that I plan to get out of his mother’s house that night. So as soon as his mom fell asleep I started taking our stuff out. That night my daughter and I stayed in our own place. He called threatening me that he was going to kill me or beat me so bad that no other man would want me. I called Salome the next day.

I lived in fear for 7 years. I put my mom, my son, my daughter, my family and friends through H**l in those 7 years. My poor mother made me call her every hour or she called me. She was so scared that she was going to have to identify my body.

So that night [when] my ex-husband almost killed me, made me wake up and put on my big girl panties. I will never allow a man to put their hands on me to hurt me in any way. To this day I have my family and friends back in my life (which before no one talked or had anything to do with me because I kept going back to him). I have my close bond with my mom back. My son is starting to come around. As for my daughter, she is my hero. She saved my life twice. She’s my life and I will do everything to keep her from being hurt and [will keep her] safe. My children are my everything and I love them so much.

I live life one day at a time because tomorrow is not promised. I lived the last 8 years in fear and I’m getting better and stronger. As I drop my daughter off for visitations, I stay on my guard and keep my eyes ready. I have a great, strong support team.

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